Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
