Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
