I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
