Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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