were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't deserve a penis
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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