It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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