Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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