The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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