I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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