I am midnight drunk by noon
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
