Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
