we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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