I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
