You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
