My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
