Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
