omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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