Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
