No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
