i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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