Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize