woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
