I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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