I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
