I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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