Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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