I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
