I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my shit smells like andre
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you made out with another girl for some wings
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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