We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
