I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
