nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
