That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I would fuck him just for his dog
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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