That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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