let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Come on in and take your pants off
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