Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
