I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
