he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just saw a hot homeless man
only you would photoshop your dick
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
