It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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