I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
