just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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