Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
