you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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