I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
