You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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