when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
