I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
