Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
