Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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