i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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