Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize