the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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