I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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