Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
