This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
