Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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