He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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