either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize