I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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